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Jules Valentin Offers His Take on the USA-CZE Match


Jules here again – thanks for your attendance of today’s article.

Okay, so I’m both upset and bitter right now. Monday’s game was definitely not the start to the World Cup that I hoped for. Therefore, I feel that the only appropriate thing to do is make fun of the Czech team in order to make myself feel a little better. Will you vent with me?

Although the Czechs got a good win, how ugly is Jan Koller? I know you were thinking this during the game. Granted, he’s a world-class player who scored a good header, but he’s pretty much an overgrown hockey goon who couldn’t make it on the ice. He was actually the first player ever to take off his skate and try to stab somebody so he was exiled by the Czech Hockey Association and then he decided to take up soccer as a part-time hobby. That hobby turned into a career and I guess the rest is history. (Okay, so I borrowed that from Happy Gilmore…but I think it works here people.)

Although Pavel Nedved was fantastic during the game and is regarded as one of the best players in the world, the fact still remains that he looks like a member of The Backstreet Boys with his wavy blonde locks dancing in the wind. If I recall correctly, he had a great solo on the song “Poster Girl” from their latest album Never Gone. Hopefully Nedved can still hit the high notes once he finally goes through puberty.

The names on the Czech roster really bother me too. Where are the Smiths, Johnsons and the Joneses? Or even the Sanchezes, Schneiders, or Changs? I’m talking about names like Tomas Ujfalusi, Marek Jankulovski, Zdenek Grygera, and Libor Sionko. I’m sure there are a couple Ujfalusi’s in America but I’ll take Anderson any day. I’m just glad that I’m not Marcello Balboa trying to decipher these word puzzles on the fly. Maybe it’s just me and I need to buy the new “Hooked on Phonics” cassette tapes.

In case you’re mad at me right now, hear me out. My previous comments are a mask. I’m just disappointed after our first game and these attacks are just attempts to take away some humor and hope from the 3-0 loss to the Czech Republic. These thoughts are just an initial front for this message: I still think that we can turn it around and go through to the next round.

Although the road is now a more difficult one, I really do believe that we can do it. I know we can. A lot of people, both abroad and even in our own country, are writing off the U.S. They say that we can’t get out of our group. I say they’re wrong. Let’s be real fans and real Americans and stick with our team through thick and thin – no fair weather fans allowed! We can do it and we will do it. At the end of the day, I’m confident that our loss to the Czechs will be a wake-up call.

So make sure to tune in to ABC at 2:30 p.m. ET on Saturday to watch our next game against Italy – don’t miss it! Support your nation with enthusiasm, as if we won our first game, and I know that we’ll be able to shock the world again this year.

Later kids.

-jules

P.S. If you’d like to complain about today’s article you can reach me directly at thevalentinchronicles@ussoccer.org.

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